Let me tell you a little story about Math. Better yet I will write a Math problem for you to demonstrate my feelings about this subject.
Math + me = frustrated.
Now a series of ecards to further drive home how I feel about Math.
I will never argue if I am left brain or right brain. I am all right brain.
During my years studying Math as a kid, right up until that last exam my Sophomore year at Michigan State, I kicked and screamed and scraped by with B’s. I had to work my butt off for those grades!
Now here we are with a sixteen month old and I’m doing a different kind of Math. The Math problem I’m trying to solve is addition. Adding another baby to the Bonventre equation.
I love being a Mom. Through the good and the bad it is hands down the best job ever! To say I am living a God given purpose in being her Mom is quite true. For even in the hardest days I have insane, indescribable joy raising my little babe.
I love sneaking into her room and watching her sleep. What is more precious. For a moment everything in the world feels perfect. She makes me laugh and smile all day long. I love watching my husband play and dance with her. It’s all so lovely.
Life is chaotic and hectic and pure bliss all at the same time. What more could I want? Then the pang in my heart starts. I flip back through pictures of my 5lb preemie and wonder where the days went. I miss my cuddly newborn.
I remember the days when my heart longed for her. Doctor’s appointments, so much prayer, shots, tears and then we conceived. More doctors appointments, so much prayer, loss and more tears. It was an uphill battle to get Charlotte Faith Bonventre here but God was gracious to us.
It wasn’t until I was talking with a friend several weeks ago that I admitted out loud why I am so hesitant to get pregnant again. Everyday of my next pregnancy I will mentally be fighting for peace. I go back to that horrified moment over and over in my mind. “We can’t find a heartbeat on twin A.”
Friends assure me, you’ve lived through the worst. I hope they are right but how easy it is to believe for someone else, anyone else over yourself. I wish I could take all their confidence and swallow it whole. Fully filling the doubt that tries to grow inside of me.
Of course I am stronger than I was and closer to God than ever before. So much good out of so much bad.
And then she’s patting me on the knee. Her squishy little hand comforting me amidst my worried thoughts. Staring up at me. Her front teeth showing out of her sweet little mouth.
It’s all worth it. It’s all so very worth it.