Hello my dear.
It’s Momma. Just wanting to send you an update from down here.
You’ll be happy to know Sissy is growing plump. Our little preemie isn’t so teeny anymore. She’s sitting up. This is very exciting but simultaneously frightening. The stronger she gets the more mobile she is and the more mobile she is the more I’m reminded my baby won’t be a baby much longer.
It seems the days are in a race with each other. Each one speeds by quicker than the last. I’m just like every Momma before me. In the past few months, I too have had to come to grips with how futile it is to plead with time to slow down.
Last week we visited Dr. Leo and found out Sissy weighs over 15lbs. As I laid her on the scale a flash back to our first visit popped in my head. A reminder of how far we’ve all come in such a short amount of time.
We’ve all done some growing. In more ways than one.
I ask Charlie about you often. I sit with her cradled in my arms and I ask if you visit her dreams. I ask if she knows what you look like. Can she remember growing next to you in my tummy? She stares into my eyes as these questions tumble out of my mouth. A few moments pass and I watch as her small pink lips curl upwards and form a gummy little smile. She makes no sense of my questions. Not yet for her to understand but then again she did just smile at the mention of her big sister’s name.
Your name is never very far from my memory. It dangles in my heart like the cloth butterflies suspended on Charlie’s mobile.
Yet there are days when my head hits the pillow and I haven’t thought of you even once. When your name does tiptoe back into the spotlight and stands center stage in my mind, a sharp piece of guilt scratches a fresh line in my heart.
I stare at your twin all day long. I feed her. I kiss her. I laugh with her. And yet you don’t even get a thought. This is where the guilt draws from. Bubbling up from my absent mind to saturate my grieving heart. My concern, that Charlie will be loved more than you.
My angel in heaven, Will you please forgive your Momma? Will you be like Jesus and peer into my heart and see the love I have for you. Whether it be recognized in the hours of a day or not, doesn’t make it any less real.
You offer me grace as the guilt melts away. This let’s me know you don’t mind one bit where my thoughts are. You know just how madly I love you.
The love between a mother and a child is a raging fire. It is consuming and magnificent. Brilliant with color and passion. Death cannot extinguish this fire that burns for you my love. Perhaps, altering it a little with distance for now.
March of 2016 is the month you went home to be with Jesus. A month that I will celebrate your little life a little extra.
As I readjust and shift my weight in the comfy rocker next to Charlie’s night stand I glance at the turquoise box set underneath. Gold dots adorn the box holding an ultrasound picture of you taken on March 8th.
Your perfect profile in black and white. It was the last picture I have of you growing. My fingers brush over it gingerly from time to time.
I wish more than anything you were here with us. I wish I could have seen you grow up next to your sister. But wishes are for storybooks and in this life wishes don’t often come true. Our story isn’t over. It has many pages to be written. Charlie will continue to grow. Time will certainly not slow down. As for me a new wish is developing in my heart. One that I can make come true and I hope will honor your name.
Love, your Momma